


Something Far More Suffonsifying

by youwereonlywaiting



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Boys In Love, Coda, Fluff and Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 02:21:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17993018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youwereonlywaiting/pseuds/youwereonlywaiting
Summary: Patrick tells David about his audition, and David ends up revealing his time with Tina and Roland Jr.Or, a coda to Season 5, Episode 7: "A Whisper of Desire"





	Something Far More Suffonsifying

**Author's Note:**

> As I got to the end of my first watch of this episode, I immediately wondered what Patrick telling David about his audition would look like. It's obvious this means a lot to Patrick (aside: I'm so excited for all this Patrick character development and what it is almost certainly leading to in episode 11) and I was sad we didn't get to see Patrick tell David the news. I also thought the entire David story line in this episode was hilarious, and wanted to see Patrick find out about how things went down and how David plans to deal with his decision to pretend Roland Jr. was his baby. This is my take on how it went.
> 
> Unbetaed, so all mistakes are my own.

David heard the bell jingle on the door and looked up from his spot behind the counter at the cash.  He saw Patrick come through the door, grinning widely and looking a little overwhelmed. David remarked, “I take it the audition went well?”

“Yeah,” Patrick gushed, walking over to the counter to face David.  “I...I think I have the lead? That’s what your mom said, anyway.”

David balked.  “My mom?!? Why would she be the one awarding you a...wait, the lead?  Patrick!” he exclaimed, then took a breath. “Okay, wait, one revelation at a time.”

Patrick leaned back against the table opposite the counter and stuck his hands in his pockets, kicking one leg over the other and resting the toe of his hiking boot against the wooden floor.  “Your mom was sitting in on auditions. But really, she kind of was running them.”

David rolled his eyes.  “Of course she was. I knew once she got a whiff of Cabaret, she wouldn’t be able to stand it.  Next thing you know, she’ll somehow convince Jocelyn she has to  _ ‘reprise her role’ _ as Sally Bowles, because  _ ‘no one else simply could bare quite such an undertaking’ _ .”  David made air quotes and affected his mother’s tone as he spoke.

“Actually, your mom made a pretty good director.  She was pulling some things out of me I didn’t really know I had, and that was just in the audition.  And with Jocelyn as my scene partner,” Patrick explained.

“Wait, Jocelyn was  _ auditioning _ ?” David asked, slightly incredulous.

Patrick shook his head. “Your mom made Jocelyn read Sally’s lines after the woman I was reading with didn’t...quite have what they were looking for.”

David nodded and asked, “By  _ they _ , would that be Jocelyn, my mother, or both?”

“Mostly your mother,” Patrick admitted, grimacing.

David scoffed and moved to straighten the lip balms that were already perfectly straight.  As he busied himself, he commented, “She will be starring in this production, directing it, or both by the time the day is finished.  I wouldn’t be surprised if she ended up trying to turn in into a one woman show.”

Patrick shrugged and took his hands out of his pockets, crossing his arms in front of his chest instead.  “Well, anyway, I have the part of the emcee, I guess.” He looked down at the floor shyly and that same grin from when he walked in the store crept back onto his face.

David glanced up at Patrick from his needless tidying and could practically see the excitement radiating off of him.  “The emcee! Patrick!” He clapped his hands together and smiled, happy for his boyfriend. Then David remembered some details of the emcee role from his mother’s frequent pontifications on her role.  He frowned a little and pursed his lips. “You do know that part is a bit...salacious, right?”

Patrick glanced up with a smaller, more amused smile on his face.  “Isn’t the whole musical a bit ‘salacious’?”

David bit his lip.  “Well, yes, yes it is.  But it’s the emcee who really…” David paused, unsure of the best word to use.  He didn’t want to get Patrick worried or worked up when he was obviously so happy about the role.  After a moment’s consideration, he finished, “...drives that tone.”

Patrick pushed off from the table and came around the counter to where David was standing.  He wrapped his arms around David’s neck and murmured, “I guess you’ll just have to help me bring out my more ‘salacious’ side then, won’t you?”

David smiled and brought his hands to rest on Patrick’s waist.  “It will be a definite struggle to guide you through such a task, but I’ll do my best.”  He rubbed his thumbs against Patrick’s sides. “In fact, I recommend that we start right now.  In order to give us enough time to uhh, umm, adequately prepare you for your role, of course.”

“Of course,” Patrick echoed, smile still teasing his lips.  He leaned towards David and drew him into a kiss, both their mouths immediately opening to each other.  David slid his hands around Patrick’s back and pulled him closer so they were flush against each other. They kissed deeply for a few moments, then traded a few shorter, sweet kisses.  Patrick shifted his arms lower so they were around David’s shoulders and he pulled him into a hug. 

“Congratulations,” David whispered into Patrick’s ear.  “I know you’ll be amazing.”

“Thanks,” Patrick replied quietly.  “I’m really excited.”

David pulled back just enough so he could look Patrick in the eye.  “I know. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen you quite like this before,” he responded, smiling fondly.

“It’s just, you know, I haven’t taken a risk like this in a while.  I was afraid I wouldn’t be right or good enough for a part,” Patrick admitted, glancing off to the side and then looking back to David with a soft smile.  David stroked his hands across Patrick’s shoulders in what he hoped was a soothing manner. “It’s nice to be recognized. And you know the last risk I took,” he added, leaning in for another short kiss.

David broke the kiss and leaned back again.  “Eating that questionable sushi from the Elmwood gas station?”

Patrick grinned, and then his face softened.  “I was thinking more along the lines of telling you I loved you when I wasn’t sure you were ready to hear it, or say it back to me.”

A small, gentle smile crept onto David’s face.  “Oh. Well. That risk worked out pretty well in the end, didn’t it?”  David leaned back towards Patrick and gave him another kiss, starting simple and sweet but growing more heated and intense as it continued.

After a few minutes, they parted for air.  Patrick took a step back to put some more space between them, but kept his arms loosely around David’s neck.  “It did. And thankfully this did too. But...I think we have to wait until tonight before you can start... _ preparing _ me.”  After a beat he added, face still serious, but eyes shining with mirth, “For the role, that is.”

“I’ll definitely be preparing you tonight,” David said intently, eyes flashing with something possessive and lustful all at once.  His arms tightened around Patrick for a moment before he loosened his grip and stepped away.

Patrick moved back to his previous spot, leaning against the table opposite the counter.  Physical distance was the best idea since they both were getting worked up. Since Patrick had gotten his own place, he had been firm that a quick fumble in the backroom was no longer acceptable.  David usually poked and prodded at the line, but never crossed it, because they both enjoyed taking their time with each other when being intimate, anyway. Trying to move on from the charged moment, Patrick asked, “How did things go with the new possible client?”

David’s face flashed a few different emotions Patrick couldn’t identify before settling on his usual confident smirk.  ”Good. It was good. Tina and I really hit it off, you know?” he said while nodding vigorously. Then he bit his lip and continued, “Unrelated, I will need you to leave the store next Wednesday between 4 and 5 while I babysit Roland Jr.”

Patrick raised his eyebrows.  “Uhhh...wanna run that by me again?  You are...babysitting Roland Jr.”

“That’s correct.”

“For one hour next Wednesday?”

“Correct.”

“And you don’t want me to be there.”

“Once again, correct.”

Patrick stared at David, patiently waiting, until David huffed and said, “What?”

“Oh, I’m just waiting for the real story,” Patrick responded, crossing his arms again and tilting his head to the side.

He continued to wait, staring David down, until David explained, “Errrgh.  Okay, fine. So, Roland came in here looking for some applesauce, or something and then got some emergency call about a downed power wire or live line or...whatever.  He just, he just...left the baby! Here! With me! The...thing was a-a crying mess, until we laid some ground rules about mutual respect.”

An amused look crept onto Patrick’s face.  “Yes, because I’m sure all it took was a civil, adult conversation with a baby for him to stop crying,” he said deadpan.

David nodded seriously, “It did.  Anyway, Roland didn’t return before Tina came for our meeting.  She was not interested in making any kind of business arrangements...until she saw little Rollie Jr. and, uhh, assumed it was mine.”

Patrick shook his head, trying hard not to smile.  “And you did nothing to correct her.”

David gestured out to the sides with his hands.  “ _ I _ was trying to secure a very important business connection and as you know, I will do whatever it takes to make that happen for us.”

Patrick pushed off from the table and moved to the counter.  He rested his hands on the countertop and looked at David. “So, this woman thinks that you have a baby.  That is Roland Jr.”

“Yes,” David said, glancing away from Patrick and pursing his lips.

Patrick leaned closer to David, “And our new client-”

“Tina,” David interjected.

Patrick nodded, “Right, Tina, I’m assuming is coming back Wednesday, so that’s why you need Roland Jr.  But why can’t I be here? Wouldn’t you want some help with the baby?”

David worried his bottom lip for a minute, moved his jaw to the side, and said flippantly, “So, uhh, Roland may have come back before TIna left.”

Patrick looked confused.  “But then didn’t Tina find out that it was Roland’s baby, not yours?”

David just shook his head and looked away.

“David,” Patrick said with weight to the name.  “Did you pretend that  _ Roland _ was your partner?”

David abruptly stalked away from behind the counter towards the back room, then about halfway there stopped, turned around, and gesticulated wildly as he uttered, “It had to be done!  Roland walked in and he said the baby was his and I had already clearly established the baby was  _ mine _ , so I had no choice but to play along.  I had just secured an amazing deal with her.  I wasn’t going to let it all blow up in my face.”

Patrick pushed off from the counter and walked to David.  He put his hands on David’s shoulders, thumbs rubbing against David’s sweater.  “Okay, let’s recap here. To get this woman’s business, you pretended you had a baby, named Roland Moira Schitt, with our town mayor, Roland Schitt.  And so, what, the two of you own Rose Apothecary together and, umm...spend your evenings cuddling while watching ‘Greatest Monster Truck Fails’ and sharing a case of Red Mountain?”

David’s head snapped to Patrick’s.  “Ewwww!!” he exclaimed lowly. “No, I would only drink Red Mountain if I was under extreme duress.  Or if it was all that was available and I needed to get super drunk to forget I ever pretended to be partners with Roland Schitt.”

Patrick squeezed David’s shoulders.  “David! Think this through. How are you going to keep this up through the entirety of our business relationship?  You can’t just borrow a baby every time Tina needs to come to the store. And what about me?”

“Well, the baby wouldn’t have to be here  _ all  _ the time.  Just most of the time Tina was around, so as not to arouse suspicion.  And you? Umm, well, you could be a...a silent partner,” David mused, still not really looking at Patrick.

Patrick brought a hand up to David’s cheek and gently pushed so he was looking into David’s eyes.  He gave David a wry smile and said, “I hate to break it to you, but I’m not really good at being silent.”

David gave a small smile back and replied, “Yes, you reminded me of that yet again last night, and I received a very venomous look from Mrs. Applebaum this morning in the hallway because of it.”  His smile turned into a smirk as Patrick’s ears and cheeks pinked.

Patrick gave a gentle pat to David’s cheek, before pulling his hand away, and answered, “And  _ you  _ are trying to get me off topic.  David, there’s no way this can work long term.  You’re going to have to fess up when Tina comes back next week.”

David twisted one of his rings and worked his jaw back and forth, considering.  His head suddenly popped up, eyes alight with excitement. “Okay, wait, couldn’t we just, like, tell her Roland ran away and you stepped in during my time of crisis?”

“Sure, but...how do we explain it if he comes to the store?  Or if Jocelyn comes in with the baby?”

“Visiting hours?  Because of joint custody?”

“So you would rather continue lying to a client than tell her that you used a baby to try and gain her business.”  Patrick paused and considered his statement. “Wait, okay, hearing it out loud, it doesn’t sound great.”

“See?!?  There’s no way out now.” He sighed and turned away from Patrick’s grasp to begin pacing the floor.  As he continued to pace, he said, “Maybe there’s like a place in Elmdale where we can rent a baby or something.  Or, should we hold a casting call? We could give some baby its first acting credit. We might not even have to pay.”

Patrick smirked and settled against one of the merchandise tables once more.  “You know, I feel like this kind of role requires skills only a seasoned baby performer could provide.  Do they have babies in the actors’ equity?”

David stopped pacing and seriously considered Patrick’s question.  He furrowed his brow and then spoke. “Well, if Mary Kate Olsen’s stories are to be believed, they received their equity status practically out of the womb.  But she also once told me that Alexander McQueen literally lit himself on fire during a raucous night at Annabel’s, and there is no way he would have ever risked his membership there like that, so...”

“Obviously we’ll need to hire multiple actor babies during all store hours, including special functions, just in case Tina happens to stop by.  I don’t know, David, this could add up pretty quickly. I think we’d have to take our espresso machine fund and make it a baby actor fund instead.”

David tried to keep his features neutral, but a faint look of horror crossed his face anyway.  “Well, let’s not be too hasty here. We’re merely $100 away from the mid-range model. Then it’s only $1400 to go until we’re ready to purchase the best Delonghi money can buy.”

Patrick moved to David and put his hands on his waist.  David automatically draped his arms over Patrick’s shoulders.  Patrick murmured, “I do want us to get to our espresso machine goal, if only for you to stop finding so many excuses to go over to the cafe and disappear for minutes, or, you know, hours, at a time.”

David tried and failed to stop a grin from breaking out on his face.  “I can’t help it that I have an active metabolism and I sometimes get ravenous at 2 PM.”

Patrick let the comment slide and gave David’s sides a little squeeze.  “Okay, here’s the plan. Tina comes next Wednesday. There will not be a baby here, and I will be here also.  When Tina asks about little Rollie Jr, you will expertly pretend it was all just a big misunderstanding and that you babysit for Roland and Jocelyn a lot, because Roland is a silent partner in the business.  Usually Rollie Jr. has to get babysat here at the store, and is here so often that he sometimes feels like a member of the family. Then you introduce me, your real partner and loving boyfriend, and I charm her like I always charm everyone.”

David cocked his head to the side while squinting his eyes and pressing his lips together in a thin line.  “Is charm really the word you’re going with here?”

Patrick slid his arms around David’s middle to the small of his back and started rubbing circles slowly.  “Well, I charmed you, didn’t I?”

David bit his lip to try and hide his grin.  “No, I would say you stubbornly wove yourself into the minutiae of my daily life and business, like some...stalker, until I simply had no choice but to give in to your advances.”

“And who kissed who first again?” Patrick questioned.

David deflected the question with, “For the record, given more time to strategize, I would have obviously also figured out a similar plan to yours.”

Patrick didn’t respond, just leaned in and kissed him, meeting David’s smile with his own.

**Author's Note:**

> I have been really blocked on finishing "The Best of Them" so I've been working on some other things to keep writing and try to work through the block. This was the first one I finished. There are a lot of other great codas for this episode already written, but I couldn't stop thinking about Patrick's cute excited grin and his little kiss and wave he did as he left town hall. I just had to write it.


End file.
